Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
