I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
