Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
