he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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