i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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