dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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