I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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