guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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