Can i not drive my cunt home
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
