You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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