I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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