i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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