i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
