you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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