i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
