it wasn't lemon gatorade
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ruined the universe
Randomize
