They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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