Ambien. No doubt about it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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