My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
