I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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