You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
