Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's never too late to be topless.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
tell me about the fingering
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
