just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
