what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
