she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
