Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
