The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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