My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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