$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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