I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
