I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
