Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
