dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car