There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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