so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize