I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
