textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
