If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
