Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
