So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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