i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
