Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dignity is for republicans.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
