Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
