You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
