I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
