If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
