I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
