Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
organizing the empties. That sober.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
