Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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