So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
