Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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