I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
