I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
