We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
