Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
