Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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