I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
