i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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