Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
