i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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