I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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