if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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