I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i now understand why vodka
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
